unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FUCK THE NEVE WORLD i swear to GOD, Neve is a cult. if i were on the outside, i would not think this. but after being around for a while, i almost want out. many people have left and i don't blame them. not that, i don't love Neve, i just think the fan base is fucked up. some of them are truly nice and have made the BEST friends that i've gotten in my life, but others have confused more than anything ever has. i shouldn't let them get to me, i know. it's hard and my brain doesn't function properly when i'm pissed. i can't resist a good argument. anyway, i seriously look down on myself for how much i let the whole "neve world" get to me. it gets to me more than almost anything else. the fans, the band, and the music. it's supposed to be all about the music. but no. the fans have to make the neve fan base a fucking SOAP OPERA. it's insane. why am i still around? haha. it's addicting, i swear. not the drama, but anything else. but GOD, not the drama. the drama of the fans is pure torture. actually, only if you let it get to you. which i am one of those people. sensitive and not to mention - gullible. paranoid, too. anyway, after chatting with a fellowing neve fan today, my brain would not stop. i began to jump to the worst conclusions that my mind could come up with. then i began to think about the music industry in general, which narrowed down to thoughts on Neve. fans are devoted. fans buy cd's. fans come to shows. fans are walking money. is that how neve views me? is that how john views me? i know john does truly appreciate the fans to some point, but does he think of me as a good promoter who gets the band cash to put food in their stomachs and a roof over their heads??? john has told me that he appreciates me. he even uses the word "honestly". yet, still, there's this nasty thought in the back of my mind that john would hate to lose a fan because he gets no money from an ex-fan. would he hate to lose my money? or would he hate to lose me as a fan. possibly even a friend. who knows. i would like to be john's friend and i know he's said i am, but he doesn't seem to care as a friend. friends talk more than once every 4 or 5 months or so. am i his "friend" because i contribute to the band? i really do love neve and i WANT to help them out, but i want to know that they don't think of me as money. i know that's how the music industry works most of the time, but i don't want to be part of that. OR i could just be overanalyzing this completely. i've been around the "neve world" long enough to figure out how it works. but still, i'm always frustrated. and why the FUCK should i frustrated about the "neve world"???? scroll up really quick. do you see how much i've written? this is NOT NEEDED stress on anyone's part. especially not mine. it's a band. a fucking band. and i let all this personal shit get to me? the music is what attracted me at first. why can't i just keep it that way? i am ashamed at how much i am overreacting. way too much for my own good. i'm stopping now. i swear. i quit!! =) 3:40 a.m. - July 9, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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