unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hate living here. After a long discussion with my step mom i have decided that she really doesn't know what it's like to have kids and to know how to discipline them or let them grow up. we seemed to cover all areas of my irresponsibility, with her making sure that i knew how she felt she had "failed" me and my mom. she hasn't ever had kids so it's all new to her. she told me that she never wanted me to have a car or a job at all. i'm 18, i'm about to start college. how can i be 18 and not own a car or have a job. she said i could borrow hers all the time and my father and her would just give me an allowance. but still, this would mean me only being able to leave the house after she gets home at 4:30 every evening or at least just on the weekends. i love having the freedom of being able to go where ever, whenever. but she wants to keep on a leash. i hate it. she also complained to me about how i seem to stay out late at nights. with any of my friends. and of course, "staying out at guy's houses, and coming home at dawn is going to end!!" she makes me sound like i stay at boys houses all the time. the only person i spend a large amount of time with until the last minute when i have to go home -- is jiten. but that's "going to end!" she tells me. so halfway through her whole little speech and sending me on a guilt trip, i was in tears. lauren was over too. she came over and we did some running around. then she sat next to me on the couch as i got almost an hour lecture on everything i'm doing wrong in my life. how i spend money, how i stay out late...they even started comparing me to my sister and telling me HER mistakes. needless to say, i was gritting my teeth and crying the entire time. i'm so tired of getting lectured by her. she tries to control me and then my dad jumps in with his 2 cents every 10 minutes or so. as soon as i can afford it, i'm moving into an apartment. i know it's all my fault, but my step mom can't keep me on a leash forever and if i stay out late and get home before she wakes up, why in the hell should she care. i'm not a child anymore. she's just really getting to me with all these lectures of hers. she thinks that she really is my mom now and she can control every inch of my life. she seems to try and control me more than my dad does. the only reason my dad is around is so he can add little tidbits into her speeches every now and then. he doesn't set rules, nor does he even seem to care enough to sit down and lecture me. she's the one that wants to set all these rules for me and she's the one that tells me everytime i'm doing something wrong. not him. well, i hate either one of them doing it. i mean, i guess it's their "job" or whatever because i am still living under their roof, but trust me, it's not by choice. i didn't want to live here in the first place, but i didn't know i'd be this miserable. my dad even wants to control how much time i spend on the computer. like give me a "bed time". that is retarded. i can't take it anymore. soon, they'll have me chained up to my bed and only let me out on weekends. well, maybe not. but still, i just want them to let me do my own thing. for the moment - i am - but soon, all of that is going to change and all the rules are going to be set. i can't wait. 9:37 a.m. - Aug. 6, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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