unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in rememberance of you... i can't stop thinking about us. they way we used to be - the way i wish we still were. i wish i could convince him that i would make a long-distance relationship work. he says that it hasn't worked for him on other occassions. but not all relationships are the same. i've never gotten this close to a guy in my life. he's made me do and say things that i never thought i would. the whole time we've been friends, i never thought we'd get this far. i mean, i've liked him for a long time, but i never expected the feelings to be returned. but sadly, they never fully were. i don't know why he liked me in the first place. i mean, we do get along great and i can talk to him. sure, i may not always fully open up to him, but it's because i don't want to scare him off. i think i already did. college was an easy excuse. people make long-distant relationships work all the time. we'll still even be in the same freaking state! lauren was telling me how she thinks he did a full 360 on me. he did. first he says "let's date." then he says "no, it'll be too hard while i'm away." then he says "let's be girlfriend/boyfriend." then he hits me with "let's go back to being JUST friends." that hurts, a lot. i just keep spacing out at work lately and thinking about everything. how he can make me laugh, kissing on his bed in his room with his radio on and the sun shining through the blinds, laying with him on the couch wishing time would stand still. he knows me so well. he can understand what i'm thinking even if i try to hide it. i secretly love it. i just wish i could read him as well as he can read me, but alas, i'm not that bright. it makes me feel like a jerk sometimes though. anyway, so yeah...i'll be at work and i start thinking of the way he used to stroke my head when we kissed. of course i get the butterflies again. but this time it's sort of more of a sick feeling. because i don't want to think that i'll never get to feel that again. jiten always has this way of making me feel...special, i guess. whatever it is, i love it. like the first time he thought we should go back to being friends, i went to his house and we barely touched each other for hours. then we finally did kiss and it was amazing. nothing special really, it's just that i had been waiting for it so long, that i felt it throughout my whole body. from head to toe, i just tingled and was so...turned on, i guess you could say. haha. but jiten always has that affect on me too. =) and now i think that after we've gone through all this, i just feel closer to him. even if we're not together now, i just feel closer in a different way. i don't think he even knows how much this is killing me. i feel like the biggest dumbass for rambling about this so much though. i just can't let go. i don't want to. i wish i didn't have to. could i ever change his mind? i know jiten told me once that when he gets in relationships he wants them to last over a year. i saw us lasting over a year. i don't even know if we lasted a month. i wanted to be with him sooo much longer than that. i thought we would. why didn't i ever step up and say something? why did i leave all the decisions to him?? things would be different. anyway, i better go to bed. night. 1:32 am - Aug. 24, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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