unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- are you a nobody girl, too? i should be doing something useful with my time, shouldn't i. i work and hang out with friends. that's it. reed told me that i should look into mentoring or something. i really should, but i'm just too damn lazy. i suck. see, i complain about wasting time but i'm not actually willing to do anything about it. what a waste! haha. no, but seriously. i just feel like i'm being very unproductive. i feel like i'm in the way too...but i just haven't figured out what i'm "in the way" of yet. i need to be in college or something. just doing something useful with my time. working is nice and all...i mean, it brings home the much needed money to live...but it's just not fullfilling. plus, i really don't get out that much to be able to meet people. i have a handful of friends that i do stuff with occassionally. when i'm not at work, that is. then when i'm not at work or with them...i'm online. what else is there to do? mentor!! i really need to stop complaining and just do it. the only thing i'm afraid of is not being able to keep up with it. or screw it up. i don't think i'd be a good mentor for a kid. i'm irresponsible, dumb on many occassions, and just lost. if i don't know what the hell i'm doing here, how am i supposed to influence someone else? i've never been the leader-type. personally, i just think it's a bad idea. but who knows. maybe i'm just making up excuses so i don't have to actually get my ass in gear and finalize anything. i really wish i was in college right now. i should be. but instead i work. we've already been over this, sorry. the point is, i don't know what i'm doing. i feel like i'm just floating around in life with no definate plans. no goals, no ambitions, only far-fetched dreams. i'm too fucking lazy to actually attempt to make these dreams a reality. so most of this ranting is just dumb b/c this path is self-chosen. something i have control over, but just choose to sit on my own ass and watch the world pass me by. now that makes me feel like a waste of space. i'm doing nothing productive in my spare time, nor do i ever do anything to change this. sometimes i wish i were someone else. someone with real goals. who knew what in the hell they were here for. what they are good at. what their life means to them. who doesn't goof off too much but still knows how to enjoy life. i'm going to become an alcoholic, i know it. 1:00 am - Sept. 28, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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