unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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run away baby...back to your lonely house.

someone please tell me that i don't need a boy to be happy. that's all i need to hear. and deep down inside, i know this is a true statement. it's just kind of difficult when everyone you know is in a relationship and you feel like you're left out in the cold. like i'm totally happy for my friends and their relationships, don't get me wrong. they all deserve it and i'm so glad when they are all happy! it's just that...when will it be my turn? why am i the only one who is ending up alone here? and i know i'm only whining here. i like to do that a lot. and where else am i going to do it? not like i'm going to bitch and whine to all my friends. therefore, i have this nice little diary.

am i strange? am i hideous? am i boring? am i too stupid? is there just something completely wrong with me?! i don't get it. i need to learn how to be happy on my own though, ya know? like, before i met jiten, i hadn't had a boyfriend for like 4 years. sad, i know. then me and him hook up (after i had had feelings for him for a YEAR.) and we last...oh, about 2 months, maybe? but i guess some things just aren't meant to be.

and here i am dwelling on our past as usual. god, i am one whiny bitch. i don't think i ever shut up. anyway, the point was that it's sort of hard to go back to being single after a breakup. like, before jiten, i was doing just FINE being single. totally. i was single and loving it. then jiten came along and now it's like i just don't want to be alone anymore. i can't be single. i know that i can, but right now, it's very hard. i have all these stupid memories stashed in the back of my mind that like to sneak up on me and bring me down. i hate them. well, not that i hate them. they are good memories, but someone once told me that you can only reminisce to a certain point. then it becomes too much. and i know he's right. i have to let go or it's going to get the best of me in the end. although it's slowly, but surely working. and i'm only letting it. i suck. everything is going downhill. but it's my own fault.

please kill me.

please?

1:25 am - Oct. 20, 2001

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