unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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"and we're so in love.........."

i want someone to love.

i want to be loved.

i don't want to be jealous of my friends anymore. and at the same time i don't want to think that i can't go through life without someone to love/be loved by. but the truth is that i'm not an independent. i can't be alone. sure, i am capable of it...but i run all these things through my head about a million times a day now. lately, it's only been about one person...but tonight it's just about me and that someone out there. i know who i would love for it to be...but that's just a dream that i have to get over. face reality.

so i get up in the mornings. i go to work. i hang out with friends. i annoy them by talking about one certain boy way too much. i think about him way too much. and when i hear my friends talk about how much they are in love...my heart sinks just a little bit more. i mean, i'm totally happy for them. my friends mean the WORLD to me and to see them so happy makes ME happy. really. i couldn't ask for better friends than the ones i have in my life right now. all of them.

so here i am - just waiting for my turn - waiting for that someone out there that i will click with. that one special person that makes the rest of the world disappear. that one special person that i won't be afraid to really talk to. share my deepest secrets with. that one person is out there...maybe i've already met him and just don't know it yet. maybe i'll meet him soon...or way in the future. the point is......why do i have to be so fucking impatient?!!

and why is it that after every movie with the oh-so-adorable John Cusack in it...i get so depressed. Serendipity...I cried at the end b/c i realized how miserable i really was without him. now i just finished watching Say Anything. what a cute movie!! loved it. but now here i am...listening to "I will love you" by Fisher and only wanting to drive a big shiny steak knife through my heart. as if one wasn't already there.

i'm a drama queen, yes i know! it's in my blood, i think. =) anyway, the point is...well i don't remember the point now. i just don't know what the future holds for me. i wish i did. i wish i was better at being alone. i wish the word "alone" wasn't even in my vocabulary because everytime i say it, it only gets me more depressed.

but most of all - i wish i knew how to be alone. i did at one time. oh, i had being alone down perfectly. i was great. i was alone, but i was happy. then he came along and ruined everything. sometimes i tell myself it was love. maybe it was, who knows. but if it was...would i even have to question it? wouldn't i just know? i know that to him it wasn't love. god only knows what it was to him. i'm not sure i even want to know. all i know is that he loves her now. moving on.............

anyway, i really need to stop whining. when it happens - it'll happen. i'll meet him and all this time will seem like nothing. good things come to those who wait, i've heard it said. how much longer do i have to wait? how much longer am i capable of waiting?

fuck john cusack movies. he makes me think too much. haha.

2:26 am - Jan. 06, 2002

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