unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how to fight lonliness - smile all the time ok. so about this Jay situation. nothing has really improved. well, i mean it's only been one day. anyway, i just don't know what i should do. i mean, i kinda like him and then again i'm like "wait. he's a pothead." i mean, we clicked so well and we have a lot in common and he's cute and he's so sweet and funny and i just have a lot of fun with him...but he's a pothead. could i break him of that? do i even have the right to do that? would he listen to me? i don't know. i don't know. it's just difficult weighing out the pro's and cons of jay and me. i mean, i really like being with him and i want to get to know him more. but what about the POT? i know it may really not be a big deal to a lot of you out there. and it's not even a big deal to me. it's just....pot. and i don't really condone...well...doing pot. drugs in general, actually. so i'm not sure what i'm really supposed to think. plus, when we were out...i kept comparing him to reed. =( which i know is really bad. i shouldn't have. i just caught myself doing it every now and then. and i wondered what reed would have thought of me for considering a pothead. i mean, i know that reed has done drugs in the past, but he doesn't anymore. i mean, hell - he doesn't even eat meat now. haha. reed's a smart kid. very opinionated and very smart. i really miss him just being there for me to talk to. anyway, enough about reed. so should i continue to see jay? should i give him a chance? could i get him off pot? can i trust him? he makes me kind of nervous sometimes. he's really affectionate/physical. i mean, he's 23. surely, he's had sex. does he eventually expect that from me? would i give in if pressured enough?! i mean, i'll have sex eventually in my life, but am i really ready? why do i have to think so much? and sometimes...i know that i really just need to think more. maybe i'm just thinking about the wrong things. i'm so lost. why is it that i have the best of luck with boys? i always find the real winners. you know, the potheads, the sexual molesters, the boys who want only physical relationships...i've got them all. i really know how to pick 'em. why won't god just let me run into oncoming traffic? 1:21 am - Jan. 08, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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