unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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i'm not a girl, not yet a woman (horrible song, fitting title)

i called ricky on his cell phone tonight because i have not talked with him in a few days. he hasn't called back and i wonder to myself whether he is busy or avoiding me. the self-concious and paranoid me wants to think that i have done something to make him keep his distance, while the logical and sensible me (as very seldom she appears) tells myself my imagination is too wild for my own good. it's not that it's wild, but i just jump to conclusions and make up stories to solve problems i have and am usually incorrect on many occassions. but tonight i don't know what to assume.

i have begun to miss ricky too much for my own good. my hopes were brought up so high when he showed interest in me. here's a boy that i find myself having a crush on, and he shows interest in me before i can even reveal to anyone how i feel about him. needless to say, i was appalled at how the relationship came about and i thought that might be a good sign. but once again, my hopes were only crushed once this boy told me we shouldn't get involved right now because of "his personal needs". not that i wasn't enough for him (at least he didn't say this outloud), but it was more that he had just gotten out of a serious relationship and realized he still needed time to collect himself properly. so it would be in both our interests not to continue on the path we were fast approaching.

although, at times it feels like my hopes were only momentarily cracked and i still have hopes that we're only put on hold while he figures things out. i don't know why i feel this way. i know that i should be steering myself clear of him, but i feel like it's only a matter of time before we get back into the swing of things. i'm lying to myself and for some reason i can't figure out why i can't see the truth.

on a slightly different note (which i may believe could be the cause of ricky ending our short-lived relationship)...i'm beginning to wonder how long it will take me to break out of my innocent shell. could i ever find a boy who will allow me to be innocent without pressure? would this be a good thing? so far, the boys i have gotten somewhat involved with have not been any sort of innocent and have made me see how naive and sheltered i really can be at times. i'm beginning to wonder if there are any boys left out there that don't have these physical expectations of a girl. is that really what i need or do i need an older, more mature boy (such as ricky) to break the ice for me so i can live like a normal adolescent and not a shy prude. it's not nessicarily being a prude, but just unexperienced and uneducated in the means of physical contact and such. i used to think this was a good thing, but now i'm beginning to wonder. it's like being surrounded by librarians, but i'm illiterate. make sense? i might as well learn to read. and maybe i don't have to right now. i have to go into it slowly and let it run it's course. i definately don't see such a need to be sexually active at the age of 18. and as much of a shock as it may be to some of you out there - some people even wait until....marriage. some people. i used to think i was one of those people. i still do to some point. by the rate i'm going, i probably will be. but this is not a bad thing. for some reason i feel i'm being judged for being so painfully shy sexually, but i think the only person doing the judging is myself.

anyway, enough deep thinking for one night. i'm retreating to my leftover food in the fridge and calling it a night. if any of you have any advice, comments or concerns in dealing with this entry, feel free to post it in the guestbook, or even email me if you would like. it usually brightens my day to recieve more than 2 emails a day. go figure.

until we meet again....

10:02 pm - Feb. 18, 2002

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