unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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"are we there yet?"

Well, the Mission to Speaking Up is becoming a failure quite quickly. today i worked with reed and we said about 3 words to each other for the whole 3 hours. of course, him and laura carried on normal conversations b/c laura does not like reed in the same way i do. but something about today just made me miserable. for once, i couldn't wait to leave and go home to be alone. so many thoughts ran through my head that i used the entire 3 hours to process it all. "get over him - he doesn't even like you. why are you wasting your time on him? if he has a tendency to make you so jaded, why are you still stuck on him? forget him before this goes any further." so i didn't speak to him and he didn't speak to me. i remained silent and numb throughout the rest of my shift and prayed for a plane to crash into the store or a heart attack on the spot. neither of which occured. so, i tried to keep myself busy and stay out of his way. not that i was in his way. i just didn't want to deal with him for a day. i didn't want to deal with all these stupid questions running through my head. or the fact that if i know i'm in denial of our fate of NEVER being together...why in the hell am i still daydreaming about it and trying my hardest to be someone i'm not - for him. i've changed the music i listen to, the books i read, even the clothes i wear sometimes - for him. so that he will see something in me that he is obviously not seeing right now. but no matter how much i change, will it ever change our relationship into something more - something i've always wanted, for 7 effing months?? no. so why put myself through it. he's just another male. just another sam goody employee. just another person who plays a little role in my oh-so-dramatic life. why put up such a fuss - for him?

if i don't move on soon, i'm afraid i'll be stuck here forever.

5:08 pm - May. 01, 2002

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