unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nothing's ever going to change - might as well give up. energy drinks: good source of hyperactivity or the root of all evil? you decide. last night, i had an energy drink and i was so weird and hyper and happy, but tonight, my energy drink has kicked in and now i'm just mad. every little thing is getting under my skin and i just want to break something. but this mood is really making me unhappy and i want it to go away. i'd rather be depressed than irritable and annoyed. i should just go to bed but sleep is boring and i'm far from tired. maybe i'll just go read more High Fidelity or something. man, i am so glad that tomorrow is pay-day. i need it so bad. although i have a lot of things that i want to buy once i get paid, which is really bad. i really want to buy some black chucks, CKY2K, i need gas for the car, and something else, but i'm not sure what. i know there's tons of cd's i want to buy. but i really shouldn't. plus i need to pay off what i owe my parents. and at least $50 from whatever i make tomorrow i have to give them. i slacked off on the last paycheck. i hate money. it's really evil. i told vic at work today that i've become miserable there. that him and paul are really the only reasons that i would stay at this point. both of them are so much fun to work with. probably vic, paul, and shelby are the only people that i'd really miss. reed is just a dickhead lately, maida doesn't really care, laura has kind of been a bitch to me, and jon...well, he's just jon. courtney is nice to me too, but i just haven't gotten attached to her or anything. but i like vic, paul, and shebly. i told vic that everyone excludes me from everything and i know that stuff outside from work really shouldn't bother me anyway but i feel like an outsider there at work. so i go off and do my own thing and just try to do my job and ignore them. but it still gets to me. i'm the type of person that when a person doesn't like me, i really really hate it and it gets to me. i feel like pretty much everyone there hates me except vic, paul, and sometimes shelby. it sucks. but he told me exactly what i expected. he said that he really didn't know what to tell me. that he didn't know what i wanted him to do about it, that there was nothing he could do. that i should just try not to let it get to me and just focus on doing my job. which, he's totally right. joy just told me that maybe i should say something to him. and i'm not sure why. so i did and i got exactly what i thought he'd say. so i'm still back at square one. at least he knows how i feel now. i'm weird about stuff like that. like i'm glad that i got it off my chest to someone at work there because it has really really been bothering me. but still, i know there's nothing he nor i could do to change it. i'm not going to change my behavior so that the people at work will want to hang out with me more. forget that. i'm taking vic's advice: just fuck 'em. (not in those exact words) let them do whatever the hell they want and i'll do whatever the hell i want and we'll just work in the same store. but i can't let this get to me anymore. anyway, this has really become a boring entry and i'm sorry if you're still reading this. anyway, if any of you are in this same spot i'm in - know that i feel your pain. but all you can do is improve your working skills. while they're all off chatting and stuff, show off and be the best employee, working your ass off and showing them up. that's what i'll do. while their all standing around talking, i'll work my ass off and show my manager that i can do their job better than they can. i need a promotion and a raise. blah. ok, now it's time to go find something to do that won't make me so angry. maybe i'll watch CKY again. =) later. 2:08 am - Jun. 14, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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