unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's hard to explain... man. remember when i used to update this puppy like everyday? sometimes 3 times a day?? those were the days...when i had the time... anywho, things are alright for me right now. a little stressful, but i'm getting by nonetheless. i'm pretty much broke since my parents are making me pay rent now, i'm falling for a boy who's scared of girls, and i'm searching for a relationship with God that's not quite working out the way i hoped. needless to say, i'm strugglin'. see, i've grown up in the church. been involved in the youth group from 8th grade until i graduated. then i gave up. i tried to pursue it on my own, but i just got lazy. so i've been out of it for about a year now. disowning my morals, being careless and selfish...but now i've realized that i really do need that relationship with God back. i threw it out the window and now i need it back. so i've been talking to Peter (guy i work with) and Daniel (his roommate - and the guy i like) a lot lately and they've really been helping me out. loaning me books and advice. i'll go over to their place and we'll just talk for hours about it. i've been praying and reading my bible and thinking about it a lot lately. but something's still missing and i don't know how to fix it. my head is in it (most of the time) but i don't think my heart is yet. i'm not feeling it and it scares me. i don't know what to do. i just had to write all this down to get it out of my system. it really doesn't change anything, but i was hoping someone could give me advice or something. even though i really don't even know what's wrong. it's stressing me out though. i feel horrible because i've got all these "luke warm" feelings and i know that sucks. God wants you to be either hot or cold, but not inbetween. and that's where i am. i guess maybe it's just scary that i'm supposed to give up everything for someone that i'm not even sure exists. faith is a difficult thing and if you're weak, like me i suppose, it's not really gonna work too well for you. i'm trying so hard to understand it all, i just don't. if i don't understand myself, how am i supposed to understand God? but i'm sure He knows how i really feel more than even i do. just wish he could tell me what to do. if any of you diaryland-ers out there have been in my position before, please feel free to email me. thanks. well, i guess that's it. i have to get up early for work tomorrow and i'm not looking forward to it. i'll get 5 hours of sleep if i go to bed now...wonderful. later kids. 2:32 am - Sept. 30, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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