unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- twenty-twenty-twenty four hours ago...i wanna be sedated... hey kiddies. it's nice to have a computer, isn't it? mine has been fucking BROKEN for the past month it seems. so, we got a new hard drive, which in the process, has erased...everything. =( i am sad. oh well. currently in my spare time, i am spending most of my time with scott and/or looking for a full time job. i need money and i need an apartment and i need to get the hell out of my parent's house. it's driving me insane. but now is not the time because money is kicking my ass like a bully on the playground at recess. it sucks. i'm barely making rent here which isn't too bad because i know they won't put me on the streets. although, when my sister was here, they told her they were about ready to put a down payment on an apartment, give me 1st months rent and let me go. with how bad i'm struggling with money right now - this cannot happen! i would be evicted the very next month. so...i am currently looking for a new job. since sam goody is THE FUCKING DEVIL. they really are. i hate those Best Buy nazi's and i'm just sick of all of their bullshit i've had to put up with for the past 2 years. well, the first 6 months or so i worked there when we were not bought out by best buy, were great. but after that, it all went downhill. and i can't wait to get the Fuck out of there. ok, i'm getting mad. let's change the subject. me and scott have been discussing moving into an apartment together once we both have new, well paying jobs, with his buddy matt. i think this is a good idea, but at the same time, i'm also scared. i don't want us to end up getting on each other's nerves and ruining it. but at the same time, i am so excited about living with him. i really do love him and it's not like we don't see each other every single day as it is. we really do. we haven't even gotten into a fight yet. it's been 4 months so far, which is and isn't a long time for us. it's the longest relationship i've been in so far and i think i worry too much. i'm always worrying about "well, he said this to me...did that mean 'this'?" or "oh no, i did 'this' and i probably pissed him off. i should apologize." i don't know why i think all these crazy things, but i've never been this far into a relationship before and i've never been this scared that i'm going to fuck it all up. we talk a lot about stuff i worry about, which is good. i worry way too much, but then i worry that he's not worrying as much as i do, which is insane because no one should worry about stupid shit as much as i do!! ugh. i just want everything to be perfect between us. and i realize it won't be all the time. no relationship is. (wow, did that actually come out of me? i should take my own advice.) anyway, the only way it can go smoothly is just to go with the flow. just be happy in the moment and not worry about the future so much. and feelings. i worry about his and my own feelings too much. because sometimes i don't know how i'm feeling. i'll start crying for god knows why and he'll be asking me what's wrong and i can't even tell him because at that moment - i have no idea why i'm crying. and why am i even rambling on about all this stupid shit? ugh. i'm sorry. diaries are supposed to be interesting, right? well, guess what - mine ain't one of those diaries. =) haha. anyway, i think i'm going to go whataburger and go suprise Captain Dork...errr...scott with some breakfast. talk to you kiddos later. 8:46 am - Mar. 03, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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