unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i hate myself and i want to die i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i just left scott's house about 30 minutes ago and i've been crying as soon as i got in the car. it's not him. at least i don't think it is. we go out to dinner, get back to his house and pop in a movie. then we begin to fool around (we haven't been able to for a week before tonight). afterwards, we cuddle and he falls asleep. i start to feel like complete shit for some reason like something isn't right, but i don't know what it is. and i begin to cry. i get my things together and start to leave and he walks me to the door knowing that something is wrong. and i start crying. he tells me he's "too tired" to mess with it tonight because he knows me well enough to know that he'll ask me a million times what's wrong and i won't be able to say one word and he'll just get frustrated. so i just walked off to my car without saying a word, got in and shut the door and burst into tears. i'm a complete fucking head case and i don't know why. he gives me flowers, takes me out to dinner and tells me he loves and i still manage to fuck it up and make him feel like crap by crying for no fucking reason. i love scott, i do. it's just like every now and then something doesn't feel right and i don't know what it is. something is not right inside me, in my own head. everyone told me i should get my own shit together before jumping into a relationship and they were right. i'm still the same mess i've always been, and now i'm unloading it on a guy i really care about. someone who doesn't deserve it. i end up apologizing to him a million times b/c that's how many times i leave his house crying. sometimes it's because i just don't want to go home to be alone and other times i have no clue why. i just don't want to deal with it anymore. i'm stressing him out and myself and my parents. it's like this feeling of hatred and misery and confusion and depression has been in my head for years and it's about to kick my ass for the last time. i feel hopeless. and when i think about "well, maybe i should break up with scott so i don't hurt him like this anymore." i can't stand the thought of us not being together anymore. that he won't be there to make me laugh. that i won't ever get to fall asleep with him. that i'll never hear him say i love you. i just can't do it. but i hate bringing him into this. he doesn't understand. hell, i don't even understand it. i'm just a gigantic mess that deserves to be alone with it. god help me. 2:36 am - Apr. 12, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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