unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- more than words... i don't know what to do anymore. last night i made scott cry. not cry, but sob. we got into a big argument in the car last night on the way to his house from a friend's and by the time we got home he just said "if you want to leave, you can. just tell me. you don't have to stay." he said it in this tone that i'd never heard before. i couldn't speak and i just sat there and stared back at him in fear. not fear that he would hit me or anything, but fear that he didn't want me around anymore. that i've ruined things with us. i'm so scared that i have. i don't know how he feels and i don't even know how i feel. i would like to think that our good times together outweigh the bad, but i'm not sure anymore. i just don't know what to do to make him happy and i know he thinks the same way. i'm just an emotional person and i tend to cry...a lot. sometimes it has to do with him and sometimes it doesn't. when it does, it's because he might say something that i'll take completely wrong and it'll scare the shit out of me. other times it's just because i'm a depressing person and i just don't feel like being happy at that time. but i don't want to ruin everything for us. even though i know i do. last night was the first time i had ever seen him get that upset and it really scared me. i didn't know what to do. we both just broke down. we said i love you a million times and i went home. i couldn't even breathe in the care i was crying so hard. i had to pull over because i thought i was going to get sick! i just hope that this will be a turning point for us. that we can move on and be so much happier. i hate making him upset by me getting upset. but when i do, it's not always his fault. i have this thing where i just get really down and it has nothing to do with him at all. and he doesn't understand that. so he blames it on himself. while i want this to be a turning point for the good, i also think it just answered a big question for me. am i worth it to him? i bring him down and make him miserable. sometimes i wonder if he was a lot happier before he met me. we look like this cute little happy couple on the outside and in front of all our friends, but in reality, we have our problems. quite often. i don't think i'm good for him like i used to be. but me on the other hand. i love him so much. i can't seem to go a day without him and when i do, i still miss him like crazy. he is the one to make me the happiest. i love being around him. and even though i get angry when he makes a joke out of everything, i love his sense of humor and i love making him laugh too. i don't know where i would be right now without him and if we were to break up...i would be crushed. we have all these plans about getting an apartment together and stuff. and though i don't know about marriage or anything like that, i do know that i want a future with him. it's odd. i want to spare him all this pain and misery from me, but i don't want to let him go ever. i don't know what to do and i don't know how he really feels about me. i don't know if i give him enough or make him happy enough. i guess time will tell. we just need to sit down and discuss everything. hopefully he'll be coming over today before i go to work. i'll let you know how it goes. 12:52 pm - May. 22, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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