unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm such a bad girlfriend =( well, i wish i had another boring entry to write, but i don't. so much shit has been going on lately. i guess it all started with a boy named Kyle. Kyle (25) is a friend that Ricky introduced me to. We hit it off pretty well, so we decided to hang out just me and him. bad idea. we get along so well that it's scary. we just have so much in common. we started flirting like majorly. no physical action, i promise. anyway, he just told me "man..if you were single.." and "if you and you're boyfriend break-up..give me a call. seriously." but he told me at the same time that he wished us a lot of luck for a long relationship, which i appreciated. in fact, we talked a lot about me and scott. good things. so the night ends and i go home. he left me a note in my purse though that i found when i got home. "I had a GREAT TIME 2NITE!!! I hope to see you again soon, -Kyle PS:Wow! you look awesome 2nite!....Wow!........Wow!" yup. i got all giddy like a school girl. and i couldn't stop thinking about him. so in the morning scott comes over because he was soo worried about me hanging out at another guys house, alone. which i totally understand. i reassured him that nothing happened. but then i started to think about the way we (I) behaved and i started crying and told him everything. and he starts to ask me questions like "well...do you like him?" and stuff. i LOOOOOVE scott more than anything and i would do anything for him, but i cannot stop thinking about this other guy and that's not fair to scott. so, we're on a break. plus, scott tells me all this stuff about not being ready for a serious commitment and what-not. i told him that it wasn't like we were married or something, but still. he told me he wants me to go check this guy out and find out what i really want. "if you're happy, then i'm happy. i love you enough to let you go." that's what he tells me. he's being so understanding and nice about it that it scares me!! i've been jumping back and forth from kyle and scott so much this past week. but i realize down in my soul that i can only be with scott. he says he wants me to be happy and i know i can only be happy with him. you can have guy friends that you are close to and still have a good relationship with your boyfriend. trista does it all the time and her and jeff are still in love. but i keep saying "let's take a break...no, i want to stay with you. ok, fine, let's take a break. no, i only want to be with you." so many times that i don't think scott believed me when i called him last night and told him that i really really really just want us to be together. i love him to death and i'm confusing him. hopefully, he's not confused about me. but maybe this is the end of "us". it breaks my heart to think that, but it could happen. the way things are going, if we do stay together...i don't think it will be forever. and i hate thinking that. everytime scott tells me that maybe we should split, but he'll still be here for me when i need him and we'll still be good friends, it kills me. i don't want to be just good friends. **30 minutes later** well, i just got off the phone with scott. i told him everything. he wants me to be happy, well, that's not possible if i'm not with him. i told him we can still be on our break, but it's only for space (to me), it's not for making any decisions or getting to know kyle better. fuck that. kyle is a good friend. that's it. i love scott. he's the only one i want to be with. anyway, i am still hanging out with kyle tonight, but only as buddies. i better get ready. later kids. 2:53 pm - Oct. 02, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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