unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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you.

I don't understand how you can treat me like this. you used to tell me that you were falling "madly in love" with me. and now i see you like once a month. i know we aren't together anymore and i'm learning to deal with that. but i have given you everything that i owned just to make sure you were ok. rides, money, food, etc. if you asked me for one of my lungs, i would give it to you. my friends are all saying that you are using me now and i am still defending you. because i am still in love with you. i hate you for that. because you don't treat me with respect. you tell me that you still love me. i can't tell. i would never treat any of my friends like you treat me. and then you come around once a month (drunk) to fuck me and say "yeah...i missed you. let's hang out real soon." and you disappear again. i don't want to miss you anymore. i don't want to love you anymore.

but i'm afraid i always will. i hate myself for still loving you and not being able to see you for what you really are. for letting me live in denial. for comparing all the guys i date to you. for getting depressed when i hear dave matthews. for waiting by the phone. for crying.

i wish i could tell you exactly how i feel, but when i'm with you all i can do is hang on to your every word and stare into your deep green eyes. i remember when we could look into each other's eyes and not say word. i knew exactly how you felt about me because your eyes said it all.

now, i'm so afraid that you're a liar. that everything you said to me was a lie. and worst of all - that i am lying to myself to keep holding on to you. let me let go.

4:29 am - Jul. 16, 2006

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