unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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i hate who i've become

why am i still awake?? this is why i'm tired all the time. i don't want to go to sleep though. i want to make it last, even though i am just sitting around doing nothing. i don't want tomorrow to come because it won't last that long and then it'll be monday and i have to go back to the hell hole i call work. i have to get out of there soon. over 2 years and still not getting seniority shifts like the girls that have been there less than me. sucks.
i am still thinking about that one person i always think about. that one person that i can't stop writing about. i miss him more than i miss anyone. but he has mistreated me more than anyone. and i still love him? i don't get it. how has he gotten me so hooked? i need a replacement so i can forget him. thing is, i'm so tired of being single, but i am also so tired of dating the same assholes. i just want a nice guy. someone who will treat me right. who likes music, likes to have real conversations, likes to read, and has a great sense of humor. oh, and is attractive. older and tall, too. so where can i find this guy? ha. probably doesn't exist. or i don't (or never) had a chance with them. should i give up? people always tell you that once you stop looking, that's when you'll find him. it's very hard to stop looking. i don't think i'll ever be happy being single. i'm just one of those girls. like my mom and her sisters. guess it runs in the family.
actually i think i would be a lot happier being single if it weren't for the guy that i wish i was still with. he messed up everything for me. my head and my heart.
GOD!! why can't i just not talk about him even once?! how long is it going to take for me to forget him? i was ready about 6 months ago. part of me wants to forget him and the other part is scared shitless to let him go. why? maybe because we all need something to hang on to. to keep us going. he keeps me going, but at the same time he's the reason i don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. how can i let him control my life so much when i haven't even heard from him in 1 month and 3 weeks?? ugh. please please please, someone save me.

5:12 am - Aug. 06, 2006

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