unafraid's Diaryland
Diary
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2 Years Later...
wow. it's been almost 2 years since i've written in here. crazy. i guess lack of internet was a big factor.
anyway, things have changed since then (obviously). if they hadn't, i'd be a little worried about me. boys have come and gone. well, only 1 boyfriend. guess i've been single for almost 2 years now. it does get to me, but i know i should be using this time to work on me. instead of using it to try and hold onto a boy i know i'll never have. so i guess some things haven't changed much at all. still chasing all the boys that i can't have. the ones i know i'll never have, yet i don't give up on or let go.
when i agreed to becoming a "fuck buddy" i also agreed to not get attached. that didn't work out at all. there are times when it's so damaging to my heart i know that i need to cut loose and save myself the heartache, but it's the letting go that's the hard part. walking away from the kisses and the cuddling and the closeness. even if it isn't real. i still pretend sometimes. i know this can't last forever. which is good and bad. it's just about the best sex i've ever had, but it's keeping me from finding that one person that actually will love me. what's not to love anyway? i'm cute and funny and caring. hell, i have spent soo much money on this boy when he's been out of a job and broke! food, cigarettes, booze, movie tickets. and now i am going broke. he always says thank you and means it, but does he see why i do it? does he appreciate why i'm doing it? because i care about him. a lot.
why am i ranting about another stupid boy in here? that's like 80% of my entries in this damn thing. if it's not about wanting one, it's about having problems with the one i have! shouldn't the words "single" and "simplicity" go hand in hand? i need to be taking care of myself and living for me...not someone else. ugh. i am 25 and sometimes i still feel like i'm 18.
6:36 pm - Jul. 30, 2008
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