unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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mellancholy and the infinite sadness

what am i going to do? he's leaving. him and his best friend (also my best friend) are moving to arkansas. they think. they have been talking about it pretty seriously and are even looking at jobs there. what am i going to do without him? i know that nothing else will become of us other than fuck-buddies, but i am still in love with him. and i know him being able to get up and leave like this means that he has no attachments to me. he makes me really happy (most of the time) and i don't want him to move 5 or 6 hours away and only be able to see him once every few months. he'll get a girlfriend. guys like him don't stay single for long. and girls like me shouldn't either, but i can't pull myself away from him long enough to find a guy that might actually love me the way i am. flaws and all.
deep down, i know that we will never be a couple, but that doesn't stop me from trying so fucking hard. i just don't want to lose him completely. there's nothing i can say or do to make him stay. when i told him i would miss him, all he could say was "well, you know this is something we need to do. the jobs here suck and i want to go back to school." and i know i'm being selfish. this is something that might actually be good for him. it just sucks for me. how do you watch someone you love move that far and wonder when and how often you will ever see them again? i know he will get a girlfriend up there. sooner or later. and he'll forget about me. i wish he wasn't so goddamn special. he's very attractive, funny, very intelligent, and just so different. i don't know any guys like him. but he doesn't love me. and he never will. maybe i will find someone better. someone that will make him look like an ass. but they won't be as good in bed. they won't know all my little "things" that drive me crazy like he does. they won't lay in bed with me in the mornings and wrestle and laugh and play like we do.
he can't leave. he can't leave me.

2:12 pm - Sept. 03, 2008

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