unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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Good Fucking Bye

One month and one week, give or take, and I am here alone. One month and one week ago I sat at the bottom of my front steps that lead up to my apartment and watched him drive away. And I just sat there and cried. He gave me a kiss before he left and I don't even remember all the things he said. I only remember that last kiss.

I should have known that he wouldn't keep in touch very well. Most of the time I put in all the effort for this friendship for the both of us anyway. He's not much of what you would call a "giver". If I'm not surprised that he wouldn't call me then why does it hurt so much? How can I still be so attached to someone that never really treated me that well in the first place? There's a word for that...masochism? I gave so much of myself to him over and over even though I knew it would only bring me pain in the end. Even during. But I couldn't let it go. Couldn't let him go. So he let me go first. Guess it's the way things should be.

There are so many things swirling around in my head on a daily basis. So many things that are only bringing me further down. And depression doesn't look good on me. Makes my eyes all puffy.

But I know I shouldn't be sitting here feeling all sorry for myself. There is a big world out there full of so many things and places and people that can change your life. Thought more seriously about moving to Austin. Well, I thought about joining the boys in Arkansas first, but I know I can't live like this forever. Moving closer to the boy who broke my heart isn't the best idea I've ever had.

Anyway, there's not much else I can say on the subject. Correction: There's not much left to say that I haven't said already. A million times already. I just keep waiting to wake up one day and realize that I'm going to be okay, but it hasn't happened yet. I keep waiting to wake up one day and not have him be the first person to pop in my head when I open my eyes. But that hasn't happened yet either.

1:05 am - Nov. 07, 2008

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