unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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Waiting for my real life to be...

I think I want to start reading other people's diaries on here more often. You know, sometimes we can get so caught up in our own lives that we forget we are not alone in what we are going through at the time. Like I am really the only one who has ever had a broken heart. Or the only one who has ever loved someone that just couldn't return the feelings...but still didn't mind sleeping with you on a regular basis. ha. Life is funny like that.

But I have been getting hit on a lot lately. And for that I am grateful. My self-esteem was brought down pretty low. I just felt like I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough for him so I thought I wasn't good enough for anyone else either. Lies. There is no rush in finding someone to share my heart with. Hell, it's not even in one solid piece right now so how could I share it? No. It needs healing time. And if guys want to tell me I'm cute and pretty...sometimes even...sexy...then I guess I can accept that..right? =) Of course I can.

Soon, the pain will cease. Maybe...if I'm lucky, I'll even be able to get through a whole day without thinking about him even once! Hey, ya never know. Stranger things have happened. All is not lost. I am still me. Actually, I am more 'me' than I have been in a whole year. I met him and I soon forgot who I was. I became him. So stupid. The only person that you can really count on is yourself and I forgot that. Thought maybe I found a friend I could count on...guess I was wrong. People say you never know what you've got until it's gone. For me, once he was gone, I realized what a blessing in disguise it was. That he left, I mean. And I don't mean that in a really harsh way either. I have just become...me again. I drowned myself in him and I don't know who I became this past year, but it wasn't really me. It was needy, desperate, depressed, addicted, lonely, clingy, and lost. Now I'm all about laughing, working on my music, making new friends, reading (tons), gaining back my self-esteem, and maybe a little drinking on the side. Ok, maybe a little more drinking than I should be doing...

The point is...I forgot.

I don't want to forget the way I feel right now. I am coming into my own and for the first time in my entire life I feel like I am figuring out who I really am. 25 years later. I don't feel like such a lost little girl. Am I still trying to figure things out? Of course, every day. But I am.

I still miss him though. Everyday. And it still hurts when I realize that 2 weeks have gone by and he hasn't even tried to text or call or anything. That maybe I really have been forgotten. Or I was never that important in the first place. But I can't think like that. I have to remember that it is not about him anymore. It's about me. And it's about damn fucking time!! Time to be true to myself and follow my own heart. Maybe this time it won't lead me in the wrong direction. Like off the huge cliff it did last time.

12:32 am - Dec. 10, 2008

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