unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My heart just can't break anymore Well, last night was my "date" with Brandon. It went okay. I mean, I think we both had a great time. We talked, we laughed......he came home with me. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep it together the entire time. He brought us up, saying how he still wanted to be in my life and I told him how I thought breaking up was a mistake. Stupid, I know. And I cried. Also stupid. I couldn't help it. He doesn't think we made a mistake. Which really, really hurt to hear, but I expected it from him. He says he's working more than when we were even together which would give us even less time to spend together and he doesn't know what he wants. In life in general. I told him I support his career, and only want him to suceed, but he knows I need more. I just want us both to be happy, but I want us to be happy together. But I don't think I am what he wants. He doesn't even know what he wants. So that's the problem. He doesn't want to hurt me. This is hurting me. Not being with him. Anyway, we had a lot of fun and acted like a couple. He sat real close to me and we just talked and had a great time. He ended up coming upstairs to my place and I put on some music as we sat really close on my couch. We both knew what we wanted, but he told me he didn't think it was a good idea. But he couldn't resist me as I predicted. He prefaced it by saying if he did stay the night there could be no expectations. Of course I agreed, but my heart was telling me otherwise. I miss him terribly. So we started making out on the couch and it was....fantastic. I miss his kisses. We went to my bedroom and...you know. And it was also fantastic. So passionate and desperate for each other. And waking up next to him....ugh. I have missed that like you wouldn't believe! I don't know how he feels now, but I have high hopes for us. I probably shouldn't though, I know. No expectations, right? It's hard not to have them. I miss him and I want him to be in my life, but not like that. I love him. I'm afraid I always will. And I told him I did. I have been playing it cool for so long now and everything I've been working towards just crumbled last night. I told him I didn't feel like myself without him. When he left this morning I gave him back his toothbrush and he said "oh, I can't keep it here?" What does that mean? Do you want to keep it here because you want to continue having these sleep overs or do you want to keep it here because this might actually go somewhere? I can't have expectations though. Because he'll only hurt me more when he refuses to get back together. Maybe its for the best. We might still be in each others lives, but not the way I want. I don't think he does want to get back together and I just have to accept that and move on. But I don't know how. I need him. Badly. But he knows this now. There may be nothing I can do to change his mind... I hate this. I want to stop missing him and I want to stop hurting. If he really doesn't want to get back together, ever, then I can't see him anymore. It hurts too much. Why can't he see me the way I see him? I feel like I'm not enough for him. And I want to be enough for someone. When will I find the one for me? Why can't it be him? Fuck this hurts so much. 10:53 pm - Dec. 02, 2012 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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