unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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If i give my heart to you...

So far mom's visit has been really nice. We went to see a movie today, grocery shopping, and I cooked her a nice meal. I like cooking for her because she usually just pops everything into the microwave at home, so when I go all out and use all fresh ingredients cooked on the stove and in the oven, she's easily impressed.

I finally told her the truth about me and B talking and hanging out again tonight. I knew she wasn't going to be thrilled about it, but I didn't expect a huge fight and for her to cry. It's not that she doesn't like him. She told me she likes him more than any other boyfriend I've had. But he's a workaholic and he always put his job first. And she thinks that's not going to change and I'm just going to get hurt again. I told her we're taking it slow this time and taking it day by day. Part of me knows she's right, but I also understand his job better than she does. It's his passion, his dream. It's not just some 9 to 5 job that he doesn't have to work hard at. This is the most important time in his career right now. Or am I making excuses for him?? I know I'm important to him and he loves me. I want to be a priority in his life, and I know that I really am! But I will never, ever ask him to choose between me or his career. It's who he is. And I get that. There will be important events he's going to miss out on due to work. And yeah, that sucks, but I want him to succeed. Do I want to be put on the back burner all the time? No. I know its going to be hard and I'm not going to be able to spend as much time with him as I really want to, but I can't walk away from him. I love him with everything I have. And I know he loves me...its just more a question of how much. Maybe that's not a fair question, but do I really think he's changed? Maybe he's just hoping I've changed. Become more understanding of his schedule and needs. I do, but he needs to understand mine. And I'm kinda afraid he thinks his are just more important than mine.

Ugh. My mom is right. If he can't give me what I need now I should end it. If I find out 6 months down the road he can't compromise, then this will hurt even more. Let's hope he loves me enough to start making me more of a priority than before. I want this to work more than anything in my life. I love him...and I know I always will.

11:39 pm - Dec. 08, 2012

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