unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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Game Over

So, here we are again. Or here I am again, I should say. Alone. I really thought it was going to work this time. Thought he was my happily ever after. I was wrong. We're just too different. We want different things. I want the husband, the house, the kids...maybe not the minivan...but I want the family and the lifestyle that comes along with it. He wants to be a big time chef and travel the world, moving every couple of years, kid-free. It just doesn't add up. We can't give each other what we want. Sometimes love really isn't enough I guess.

And I miss him every day. It's been almost three weeks now but it feels like yesterday. But deep down I saw all the signs. We fought like crazy. We were lucky to make it one while week without a single fight. We were also lucky to have sex at least once a week. I just...was never in the mood. Or I was when he was at work and then he'd come home and talk on and on about work for 20 minutes and suddenly I wasn't in the mood anymore.

I'm scared to move on. I mean, I want to and know I have to, but as crazy as this sounds, I'm afraid to share myself with anyone that isn't him. And it doesn't even make sense to me. Half of the time I was wondering if we even liked each other by how often we would fight. And I don't want a relationship like that. It's just that he knows me better than anyone. We told each other things we've never told anyone. We had something special, even if it was fucked up.

And then my car has to break down on me today. And he's the first person I want to run to for comfort. But this break up is sticking this time. No more of this breaking up and getting back together nonsense. I can't. He has hurt me one too many times. I'm not what he wants.

When in the hell am I going to find that guy that doesn't want to lose me? I really wish it was B. more than anything in this world, I wish he would fight for me. Thanks, asshole. Have fun becoming an executive chef and being completely alone. . You'll miss me some day and realize what you lost when its too late. Too bad all that money and recognition won't keep you warm at night.

1:10 am - Apr. 26, 2013

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