unafraid's Diaryland Diary


You’re Bad News, Baby

I don’t want to want you anymore. I want to kiss you every time you look at me with...that look you give me. I see it in your eyes. You want me too. But you’re married. And I’m engaged. To great people. Too great to hurt. The damage would probably kill us both too.

But I still want you.

I think about you all the damn time. And it’s killing me every day that I see you and can’t touch you. Sure, we’re really good friends. The best actually. And I don’t want to ruin that.

But I still want you.

Things aren’t the same between us anymore though. You’ve got too much guilt over the things we haven’t done, but the things we’ve said in private. And I guess that makes you a better person than me. Why don’t I feel as much guilt as you do? I might just be broken. And every time I try to take us down that road again and put those ideas in your head of how far we’ve already taken it you shut me down. And it’s like a slap in the face of rejection. I’m tired of crying over you. Of trying so hard to make you give in just a little to the desire I know you feel too. I’m tired of feeling like shit, like I care more than you do. I think I just might. But I know how to tease you without saying a word. And those silent looks of desire all over your face...I can’t get them out of my head. Your lip trembling. The heavy, deep breathing. Those eyes that are undressing me and playing out the scenes we can’t ever experience. You drive me insane and I want to scream at you “Just let it happen!” But I can’t. I won’t ever. We can never go down that road.

But I still want you.

Is this forever? Will I ever get over you? How long can I go seeing you 5 days a week and just yearning for you? How long are you going to make me this fucking miserable? Crying over stupid things you say or don’t say. In my little corner where no one has any idea tears are running down my face like a goddamn river. In silence.

Can we get past this eventually? Can we just be friends and forget all that we’ve said and done? Can I stop wanting you like this? I’m not sure these feelings will ever go away. It’s you. And it’s me. But it will never be us.

11:33 pm - Sept. 06, 2019


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