unafraid's Diaryland Diary


Untouchable Face

We’re not speaking now. His idea, not mine. He’s too involved, his feelings are too strong, he says. So we stay silent and stopped speaking. Today was Day One actually. And it damn near killed me. He’s my best friend. I want to tell him all the funny or crazy things that happen to me throughout my day. But I can’t. I told him I would leave the ball in his court now. We’ll get through this, I told him, with tears streaming down my face. The last time we’ll talk for who knows how long. He says he doesn’t want this to last forever, this silence between us. Said that he absolutely couldn’t stay away from me forever. I’ve managed to survive one day and it was incredibly hard on me. I wonder how he’s feeling. What he’s thinking. Does he still think about me? That’s a stupid question, I know he does. Am I evil for hoping he felt like shit as I was sobbing while he held me in his arms for the last time for...who knows how long? I know this is only temporary, but I’m terrified these feelings are forever. I’ll always be wrapped around his finger. Actually I think it’s the other way around. He’s the one that came to me scared of the strong feelings he has for me saying he needed to take step back. He worked from home today and part of me was relieved. After the talk we had yesterday I’m afraid to look him in the eyes. I broke down in front of him. I was literally racked with tears and heartbreak right in front of him. And he looked at me like he wanted to take it all back and make me okay again. But we both knew he couldn’t. So how can I have these strong feelings for him like he does for me and still be okay, unlike him? What is wrong with me? I should be feeling more guilt than I am. He told me he really cared about me and I believed him. I know he does. I want this to be hard for him too. I want him to miss me. I want him to think about me and worry about me nonstop. Is that selfish? Probably. He’s my best friend and I don’t know how to function properly with out his sweet face grinning at me like an idiot. It’s been a day and I’m dying. Maybe this is the best for both of us, but Jesus Christ it hurts like hell. And I hope it’s hurting him too.

11:14 pm - Oct. 08, 2019


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