unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- where should i turn when i'm blue? they say it's good to have a journal or some sort of friend you can release all your problems to. journals (especially ones that are openly viewed) can be a good cry for help. i don't think i am aiming for a cry for help today, but it's more of just a release of some sort. work was alright today. only as good as could be expected. i (stupidly) brought my new book (bio on Kurt Cobain) to work to read and so of course when reed came into work, he politely got on to me for 1. standing behind the counter and 2. reading a book. so i quietly nodded and went off to work on straightening some things that were out of his way. i kept quiet for quite some time until he started quizzing me about some business related stuff. which i didn't know/understand so i ended up just feeling stupid about that. then we chatted about random stuff and i headed home 30 minutes early. does it seem like i fuck a lot of stuff up to you? b/c it sure seems like i do to me. how am i still working where i am? i'm trying to figure that out. this worries me b/c i'm afraid that once i get a full-time job, i'm going to fuck everything up there on a daily basis as well, but the consequences will be much worse. it seems that kurt (cobain) and i are somewhat alike in that the more guilt or misery we feel, the more introverted we become. at one time, my stepdad suggested to my mom that maybe i see a counselor or something was medically wrong with me b/c i can go through long periods of time without speaking to anyone at all. this was at a time in my life when i was facing all sorts of obstacles in my life and almost come to a conclusion that i had nothing to live for. i guess the people who know me well enough can tell when i stop speaking that something is wrong. or at least if you don't know, you do now. and today, a horrible thought popped into my head as easily as the one like it has in the recent past. just a simple thought of casually driving into a lake. now, i am fearful of death. this is somewhat of a comfort b/c i know that i would never have the guts to even attempt such a thing. great. now my dad's home. and i don't want to be here when they are. but i only want to be alone. maybe i'll go for a looooong walk or drive. today's just one of those days where i feel like going out exploring somewhere. maybe i'll just venture out to a park somewhere. some park i've never been to before. if i even feel like getting out of the car. maybe i'll just drive out to nowhere and try not to get lost. sometimes i wish i could get lost. 4:11 pm - Sept. 25, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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