unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- love until later... a blank page. i had a huge page here of my inner most thoughts and i click on something i shouldn't have and when i come back...it's all gone. shit. anyway, it started talking about me being bored... Bored. When i am bored, i am sad. i have no real reason to be sad, but sometimes i would rather be sad that just plain ol' bored. in the last few years depression has become more of a friend to me than something i should get help for. i have sought help, but i can't say good-bye to depression, isn't that weird? it's like a close friend that knows all of my secrets. i actually like being depressed and i don't know why. i assume if i were an alcholic i would like that too? i don't know. i haven't taken my crazy pills in the last couple of days either so that could be a good reason why i feel like being sad. it scares me sometimes - being so addicted to depression. i don't think i've ever told anyone exactly how i feel, but it's true. sadness is like a warm blanket just waiting for me to cuddle up with. it waits for me in the dark and wraps itself around me. tells me it's okay to feel sorry for myself and my pathetic life and says 'it's okay to cry.' is that bad? more than that: is that weird? it's true though. i'm admitting it to the public for the first time and although, i'm sure it'll be no big suprise to my real friends that read this...it feels better to talk about it. I could help it if i wanted to, but like i said, it's an addiction that i'm not real sure i want to let go of yet. of course, before scott, it used to be so much worse. i would spend all of my time here, falling so hard for guys that could never return the feelings and i would cry and cry, just wondering why no one could love me. what was so wrong with me that no one could fall in love with me too? i was funny, sweet, thoughtful - not all that bright - but caring. and fun. at least i think my company is enjoyable... then i met scott. and everything was different. we met at a mutual friends party late at night. i had seen him around a little bit, but we hadn't really spoken until that night. i never noticed how funny and cute he was until a car ride we took together. (i was always instantly attracted to the funny ones) anyway, he caught my attention...and my heart (go ahead. make that sound. "awww...). later that night, a friend called me, furious. she found out somethings i had said to a mutual friend of ours only out of concern for her, but was furious i even talked about her behind her back. thing was, she did it all the time to me and i just sat there and took it. but that's not the point here. the point is, i tried explaining myself to her on the phone for the rest of the night, ruining my party. but scott sat with me alone on the couch the entire time, trying to keep my mind off the situation at hand by making me laugh. and i loved him for it. a year later, and here we are. we are so different that it scares me. opposites may attract, but how long can they last? but i am in love with him and i will still love him even when we are over. like scott tells me with the sweetest conviction, "Love is forever." and i trust him. i cannot imagine life without him and i would do anything to risk my own for his. but enough of this mushy stuff, right? =) i think i'm gonna search around the web a little bit before he gets here. we're supposed to wrap christmas presents together. later my little darlings. 2:50 pm - Dec. 10, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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