unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what in the hell is she talking about? no one knows. "and if i don't make it, know that i loved you all along..." damn him. no. damn me, it's my fault. i was going to discuss how i cried for 2 hours tonight about nothing in particular, but i seem to have found something else to talk about. wait. what else do i ever talk about? it's hopeless. i give up. i quit. if only it were that easy. but let's not dwell on that depressing subject, shall we? no. so back to my whole reason my eyes are killing me... my mom tried to talk to me about it and of course i couldn't tell her because i don't even know. but she wouldn't believe me and she wouldn't leave me alone. she thinks it's just about us moving and she told me that she knows how i feel. she doesn't. it's not just about us moving anymore. it's everything. it's all the things going on around me that i can't control or that i can't hold onto. that i don't understand. she doesn't understand. then she proceeds to yell me for never talking to her. it's because she yells at me like i can change and get over it. i don't even know what i'm supposed to get over first. where do i begin? now i'm rambling and i don't even know what i'm talking about. i wish we were closer. a lot closer. not just in distance. screw distance. that's not what i really care about. it's the non-existant emails and chats and calls and what not. it's everything that's not there. which is everything. it's him. it's me. it's not even something i should put that much thought into. it's not worth it, i tell myself. but i don't believe myself. i don't try hard enough, and when i do, nothing happens anyway so it doesn't matter what i do. do i even know what i'm talking about now? i'm sure you're confused by now. so am i. "and i hope to god i figure out what's wrong." 12.10 am - March 20, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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