unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- happy effing birthday. god. what a day saturday turned out to be. it started out well and i had pretty high hopes for the day. i opened with vic and we joked around a lot and just had fun. then reed came in, said hi and him and vic talked. reed and i probably only talked when i needed his help at the register for something. but other than that he avoided making any conversation with me. oh sure, he talked to everyone else and joked around with them the whole day, but when it came to discussing anything with me, his tone was very...blah. so that just kind of made me mad. i really don't know why, i just wanted to kick him or something. the store was packed almost the entire time i worked and i was rushing around soo much since i was the only person at the register. it kind of made me mad. there were like 3 or 4 people on the floor just standing around and i was on register alone with a long line of customers. so i was ready to go home. 4 o'clock rolled around and finally i could leave. i went to the back room to fill out paperwork and one of the girls was back there on break. "laura told reed yesterday." she said. she told him i like him. and apparently, he's known for a long time now because someone told him. and of course he's not interested because "we work together" but he "still likes me as a friend. but that's it." i was crushed. i mean, deep down, i kind of figured he already knew and wasn't interested, but thinking it and knowing it are like 2 different things. it just hit me sort of hard. so needless to say, i got effing teary-eyed at work in the backroom. i felt so dumb. i felt dumb for crying, and i felt embarrassed that he has known, and i was still mad at him for avoiding me at work, and i was also kinda hurt to finally hear the truth that he can't return the feelings. i knew he never would, but i liked lying to myself more, i guess. so now, i'm not really sure how to act around him. i want to just tell him "reed, i know that you know and i just wanted to tell you that i don't want it to be ackward for us. let's just forget about it, move on, and just be normal." i'm tired of this "i can't talk to susie because either a)i might lead her on or b)i don't want to have anything to do with her anymore." i don't know. i'm actually dreading the days we work together now instead of looking forward to them. but i know this is actually better now. i feel like i can hurry up and get over him and just move on, now that i know. there's no chance for us - ever - and i realize this now. there's no use in wasting my time on him. it's all for the best and we just weren't meant to be. no need to wear cute things for him or try so hard to make him laugh or smile or stop talking around him when i can't think of anything smart to say anymore. this might help me become more relaxed around him and less nervous and agitated. no reaso to try and impress him anymore. now what am i supposed to do? 1:10 am - May. 13, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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