unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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i need to feel your heart beating next to my heart...

So things have been interesting lately. To say the least. Brandon and I have been hanging out lately. Only once a week or so, but I always look forward to spending time with him. I broke up with him about a month ago, but after a while I just realized I was miserable without him. So I decided to hit him up one night to meet up and talk. Ever since then he's been calling me every night when he gets off work and we've been having...sleep overs. I love seeing him and my feelings for him are stronger than ever. This may not be a good thing.
Last night we had a long talk and he told me he's not sure he'll ever be able to have the same feelings he had for me when we were together. What do I do with that? I think I might be in love with him now and my heart just broke when he told me that. I know I really hurt him and I can't blame him for feeling this way. I fucked up. But now I don't want to be without him...
I know he's going through a lot. Between his job, his family issues, and now his friend's death. I know he's depressed. But I told him I'd be here for him and I'm sticking to that.
It just feels like he's putting up a wall. The way he looks at me, kisses me, strokes my face...calls me baby all the time...I think he's scared i'll run away again. I know he still has feelings for me even though he says he doesn't. He has to. I can see it in his eyes. Part of me wants to hang on and wait for him to come around again once all this passes and part of me wants to shut him out and pretend I don't care. I'm scared to death of him never coming around and breaking my heart. It's already breaking enough.
I just don't know what to do. I can't walk away from him. Not again. I'm willing to be patient and wait for him to come around. But I don't think he wants me to wait. I don't know what else to do when I feel so strongly for him. I shouldnt have let on that I felt more for him. Didn't know he felt this way though. His actions just don't match how he says he doesn't feel.
I think I'm just gonna stick it out until he tells me to get lost. I care about him too much to walk away. Again.
What can I say. I do love him. And maybe someday he'll tell me that he does too. I just have to be there for him and not give up. My heart just won't let me leave him.

10:28 pm - Dec. 12, 2011

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