unafraid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm just a Basket Case Things haven't been so bad lately. Work is good. Hanging out with my friends is good. Being single is even good. Being without him... Not so good. I miss him most days and then the other days I feel like I'm trying to tell myself to miss him. I can't really explain it but its like there's a part of me that doesn't miss him and I keep pushing that part down. Like I feel guilty on the days I don't miss him. So I try to. Me and this other guy from work have been hanging out a lot lately. And when I say "hanging out" I mean we're sleeping together. And then I feel guilty for that too. We have sex, I see Brandon's face. It's fucked up, I know. But my head isn't in the right place right now. I need to stop sleeping with this guy because I know in my heart it can't go anywhere. He's 37 with an 8 year old daughter and he's a waiter who sleeps and parties too much when he isn't working. That's not what I want. He's not Brandon. This guy who has plans and ambitions. I don't know what I want right now. But I think I just need to be alone for a while so that I can figure myself out. Get my head and my heart on straight. I don't want to be so confused about my feelings for Brandon. In fact, I shouldn't be at all. It's over. It doesn't matter. I just lie in bed every night wishing he was beside me telling me that everything was going to be okay. I miss his face. I know these things just take time but I'm tired of fighting with myself. Trying to rationalize why it is we aren't together anymore. The most obvious reasons are right in front of my face but that doesn't change the way I feel about him. I still love him even when I don't want to anymore. I need to let him go and at the same time I'm scared to love anyone else. I'm afraid it won't feel right. This sucks. I wish he were here. Wish we didn't fight. I wish I was enough for him and that he was enough for me too. I can't change what I want from my future just to match his. We'd still fight. We'd still be wrong for each other. So how do I fix this? How do I believe there's someone else out there for me when I've tried and tried and tried with different boyfriends and keep getting dumped? I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted. 2:01 am - Jun. 05, 2013 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||