unafraid's Diaryland Diary

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Everyday is exactly the same

When I was a kid (hell even in my early 20's) I used to get all giddy and happy whenever it snowed here. I mean, it's Texas. Snow here is pretty rare. But seeing it today just makes me sad. I drove to work (unfortunately) this morning and put on my sad playlist and it made the snow that much more beautiful. As if these songs were written just for snow covered days. I just watched the snow falling to the ground around me while I listened to a girl's haunting voice singing about how she'll never have her happy ending now while she picked her guitar slowly. It just fit somehow.

I haven't actually cried in a few weeks now. And I know, for the average person, that would be a good thing. Or normal, even. And I know this will make me sound completely and utterly lame, but for me, it's just a release. It's my way of feeling like I'm still alive and capable of feeling at all. Because if I'm not feeling something like excited or practically in tears, I'm just numb. And being numb scares me. Is this just normal once you actually get past your 20s, into your 30s? I feel like all the emotions I used to feel as a kid - excitement, adrenaline rushes, butterflies in the stomach - I haven't felt much of that in the last couple years now. And what if I never feel them again? What if getting older means you lose that part of you that lets you experience all the "highs" of life? Or what if it's just me and something is wrong with me? What if the most I can ever really feel (without trying) is just sadness?

I realize this is probably pretty silly, but a large part of me is almost certain that growing up just means you are less surprised, less excited, less hopeful about things. I want the butterflies and just pure joy of amazement for things that make me warm and tingly inside. Love.

Now that I have this job that demands about 70 hours each week from me I'm worried that this will be my life from here on out. In the last 3 months that I've been here, I haven't been on a date, haven't really had anyone showing any interest in me. It's been boring, actually. I get up early, go to work, come home late, watch some late night TV and go to bed. Just get up the next day to do it all over again. I hardly see my friends anymore, let alone have time to date. I'm just afraid that taking this position at my new job basically means I've just married my work. At least I don't take it home with me. Anymore.

I've gotten off topic. What was the topic?

Please excuse my ADD. It's the only thing that I really don't have to fake anymore.

12:11 pm - Feb. 06, 2014

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